Match Reports For Saturday 15th October Season 2005 - 2006

Mens 1st XI

On saturday Staines faced the short trip to Chiswick to face PHC.

After an enthusiastic and somewhat deafening warm up the game got underway with Staines taking control early on. Good work at the back by Liam Greene meant the midfield were able to get a grip on the game and they worked the ball well to put pressure on the Chiswick defence. Soon the pressure told and it was Gary Kemish who received a pass on the edge of the circle and proceded to dribble past 2 defenders before creating a tap in for Paul Arnott at the far post. At one nil Staines were cruising and it was just before half time that Staines increased their lead when a defensive error was punished by the Staines forwards and Andy Evans was on hand to chip-hit the ball past the prostrate 'keeper.

Into the second half Staines were looking to increase their lead and they should have done this two or three times in the first ten minutes of the half. But poor finishing and some good saves by the Chiswick 'keeper kept the home side in it. Midway through the half Staines dropped off and Chiswick got more into the game and applied some pressure of their own to the Staines rearguard. Under this pressure John Stannard gave away a stroke, however Chiswick did not make the most of it and Andy Green made a superb save in goal. Soon after Chiswick did reduce Staines' lead after a defensive mix up allowed the Chiswick centre forward time and space to tap the ball home. This led to a rather frantic end to the game with Staines holding on for all three points.

With this win Staines move up to third in the table and look forward to taking on Blackheath on saturday and then Premiership side East Grinstead in the Cup on Sunday.

Mens 2nd XI

Mens 3rd XI

The second match and looking for more points we ventured to Rickmansworth to play against OMT in some posh school. Having said that the courtyard looked like something macabre out of The Shawshank Redemption. Anyway Edward Scott umpired us to a very efficient victory. Another solid match although we were slow out of the blocks and loosing 1 nil to an overzealous team who thought we would be a push over. Little were they to know we only get started at half time. Some good work by dutch Jerry and Andy Bromley kept the score respectable in the first half and we finally got all cylinders firing in the second half with some good counter attacking moves which OMT had no answer for. Little dougie and Tart took the keeper on who decided to play rush goalie, Dougie took full advantage and put away his first goal of the season. Tart and the chubster again doing the damage with good runs from Ross and Sponging student to help set up attacks. Porno Hudson worked like a trojan in a sweat shop factory combining up the right flank. Crazy guys said Jerry as he cut out another attack. Alpo sweeping was so laid back with Jerry at centre back that he curled up and went for a snooze in the second half. A very dry pitch meant we couldn't get all our short corner routines going although Ian had a go at clubbing the ball top D or at anyone who was stood remotely in the way.

Man of the match. A close one again with Ian shading it from Jerry I think. Apologies as I can't remember. Dick of the day well who could forget. Porno Hudson arriving in his 'limo' met us half way there in a hairdresser's car. He had done a quick wash and blowdry at 10:30am in High Wycombe. He left directly for a 1:45pm perm and lowlights in Gerrards cross.The owner insisting that the poodle be equally treated. He had 'acquired' a battered out pink and white leaky convertible Suzuki Vitara complete with rusty, loose, hanging bullbars and a number plate hanging on by only one screw. The exhaust had been left somewhere on the M25 and the tax disc was mouldy. The footwells were full of empty bottles having contained blue rinses. For sure it was Fred and Wilma's car out of the flintstones. Still as the Men's 3's motto says 'it don't have to be pretty, just effective'. Hudson rests his case.

Mens 4th XI

Mens 5th XI

And there we were – 9:30 at the club for the first away game in a row – we were off to the land of “No Food” Cheam on the non water based trampoline surface.

After a lovely day in the sunshine Cheam have now been renamed “If you pop round to our club house after the game we’ll have a merry chat regarding how well we’ve all played and I’ll make sure that you all get a sausage in a bun with some chips.” It is a bit of a mouthful but you get the idea. The memory of last year’s long fruitless wait for food disappeared quietly into Room 101.

Oh Danny Boy – soft fluffy buns…. Mmmmmmmmmm nice! (no beans mind you)

So bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun the wonderful thing about the Cheam pitch is…… that it’s the only one.

The only fluffy topped, spongy, bouncy pitch type thing that is.

Cunning plan – the’ve only got a few teams so lets get there early and get used to it. Joy of joy beyond joy itself – there was no one there on the pitch before us. So still filled with the joy of being there early we joyfully bounced around the pitch. Absolute bargain!

Ba’ding Ka’plunk ka’pling ba’doing – we got used to the surface. Ba’dang ba’ding and we got onto target. Splendid!

Several hours later – or so it seemed - the opo turned up and dutifully attached their space hoppers to their feet and we all sprung gamefully into action.

Here a goal there a goal every where a goal goal – Old Macdonald had a trampoline E I E I O.

5-2 at the end - top bouncy fun had by all.

Baaaaaaaaaaadoing!

There were several contenders for MOM and DOD this week – several more than last week (cause we didn’t take a vote last week).

DOD winner by a landslide was Neil “Windy Miller” Weaver. With a stick in each hand he’d be mistaken for a Chinook.

I say a landslide – he won by one vote from Andy “don’t leave that sausage there or I’ll eat it” Murffit. I know it doesn’t have the same ring as “Windy miller” Weaver but, once again, you get the idea – those pies are not safe when the Murffit man is around!

Lots of votes to the Bling twins this week for MOM and a few to our newB (the unknown Nolan sister) but the eventual plum in the basket of peaches was the G man himself. Let’s big it up to those masters of bling though (there from “In the house” or something like that).

So we’re off to the far reaches of Croydon for a run out against the Old Mid Whitgiftians next week. I hope you’ll join us at the same time, same place next week for a right riveting read all about the adventures of the Men’s 5’s.

Mens 6th XI

Mens 7th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

Much was owed to the heroics of goalkeeper Maggie Owens by the home side on Saturday as Staines continued their 100% record start to the season and as such remain 2 points clear at the top of South Premier Division 1. Purley had also been promoted from Div 2 with Staines and were determined to make life difficult for the League's early pacesetters as they had yet to register a point in their opening 3 games.

In an even first 15 minutes both sides went close and it was then that Staines made the first strike,Kerry Maskery slotting home a neat penalty corner move. From then on Staines dominated the rest of the first half and were suitably rewarded for their efforts when Sue O'Connell scored one of the goals of the season as she ran onto a perfect pass from Mel Martell before drawing the 'keeper and calmly lobbing the ball over her head. It was then the turn of 'keeper Owens to take centre stage as she superbly saved a Purley penalty stroke,a feat she was to repeat in the second half. O'Connell then turned provider as her through ball found Alex Teasdale who rounded the visitors 'keeper and planted her shot past the despairing defenders dive.

The second half was to see Staines spend much of their time holding onto their lead as Purley gained territorial advantage and just when they looked like getting reward for their pressure, Owens was once again not to be denied from the penalty spot. Lacklustre passing was contributing to the home teams problems and with 10 minutes remaining Purley finally found the net but were unable to break the Staines defence further.

There is no League games this coming Saturday so Staines will entertain Barnes Hounslow & Ealing in a friendly as they look to keep their momentum going although several key players will be missing.

Ladies 2nd XI

An awful habit to get into, only filing a match report when you're winning, but since we're all good virginal nuns, no apologies for the absence of a report for the last 2 weeks, when we were

a) nervously atrocious against a strong, table-topping Eastcote side (0-2) and

b) brilliant for all but the first two minutes and putting the ball in the next against Southgate, going down one nil

To our first home game of the season, then, against Winchmore Hill and Enfield.

Inspired by watching the first half of the Ladies' 1s game (good job apparently we did not see the second half?!?) the team took to the changing rooms for the teamtalk.

Coach Foster had no need to fire up the lovely ladies (I am sure I did not mean to write that...) beyond a 'more of the same from last week, except no crap early goals and lets hit the back of the net ourselves early' - no pressure on Baldie, who was welcomed back in the same breath... The Doc's only other intervention, to instruct Hels to get us sweaty in the warm-up, was taken in the manner it was intended of course.

The ladies began strongly, press was holding, and capt'n Lou was linking play well to the forwards. However, WH&E looked dangerous on the break, with two skilful attacking players causing problems. No problem for Tinks in goal, though, who took (-out...) a couple of one-on-ones to keep the sheet clean.

Up the other end, the breakthrough came from a cracking goal from Ruth "I'm not a forward; I'm a bit shit up front really" Crawford, who started on the right wing. Staines worked the ball down the left, and the ball was pulled back to Claire at left mid. She looked up, saw the massive gap Baldie had created, and tonked the ball towards the p-spot. One touch from Ruth on the run deflected it like a rocket past the keeper and in at her left post. The crowd went wild. Their keeper was the funniest. She didn't move - didn't even see it. Pick it out, we like it on the p-spot... 1-0.

With that confidence booster, Staines began to dominate, and although WH&E remained a threat, the blues looked the more likely; and Oli went close on a short.

The second came as the half neared an end. A short corner goal that was absolutely textbook. Straight off the training ground (except it's never ever worked that well in training...).

Ruth out to stopper Ali. Switch right from Erol to Clare, who stops dead for Serena to strike. And strike it she did. Straight into the far corner faster, millimetres inside the post, faster than a speeding bullet for her first League goal for Staines. 2-0.

On top now, probably all would have settled for keeping it at that till half time. But no, Baldie needed onto the score sheet and made sure she did so. Assisted by Suzy from the left, Baldie was on hand to smack it home from close range, ensuring the ladies went into the break three goals clear.

Happy coach at half time, lots of water was taken on board, with the sun and heat looking like it was taking its toll on a team that had run its socks off for 35 mins.

The second half began fairly evenly, but soon Staines dominance was being eroded. Wave after wave of WH&E attack began with only brief respite up the pitch at the other end. A purple tide was sweeping towards the Blue goal, but the Tinks and her defence, in particular Emma, put stick and body parts on the line (literally) in a Strudley-esk fashion to deny the vistors a goal back. For at least 20 minutes.

It was around this point that the fun began on the sidelines, with Coach Foster giving a d**k of the day performance. He claims it began as he rightly defended Shay's umpiring, upon comments from the opposition's female coach that Shay may be wearing a blue shirt. The response of 'at least we provided a f***ing umpire for you' was, while true, perhaps not entirely necessary, and served to put lots of oil on the burning embers. The 'conversation' then degenerated between the coaches with questioning from both sides as to each other's sexuality and indeed gender. "You must be f***ing queer to coach a bunch of girls and call them 'babes'".... "Well, you're just a f***ing man anyway aren't you - what's wrong, are you just jealous?"... usw...

In steps Staines ump no.2 Colin Reed, who though no doubt (..?) had been listening intently to the high level quality banter, thought it was time to call them over for a word. With the expanding Staines crèche nearby, it was probably a bit much for those tender young ears. No cards, but enough for the children to stop baiting each other and put their toys back into the pram.

Back to the action, and it was more of the same. The pressure finally told as WH&E got their finishing in order finally to put one over the line, though the defence were disappointed at the manner of it.

By now, the sweaty girls that Coach had demanded were in evidence, as Staines wilted in the heat, and large gaps appeared, with the eleven players spread all over the pitch. Winchmore H&E scored again towards the end to set up an extremely tense final five minutes, which included a few nerve-racking penalty corners.

But the mighty Staines held out for a 3-2 win, and the first much needed points on the board in Middlesex Premier before a weeks break from the League with a trip to Harrow thereafter.

In the words ringing in the ears of the fellow Blues of Merseyside - "the only way is up". Things is, however, theirs is more in hope than expectation, and the lovely ladies in the blue of Staines HC have lots more potential... not to mention having score three times as many goals. Rumours that Coach Dunc has banned his budding internationals from training with their country remain completely unfounded. Rumours, however, of his nocturnal activities late on Olympic evening, may be more distinctly evidenced...

Ladies 3rd XI

Staines Ladies left the club still asleep (although those of us in Kate’s car were quickly woken up . . .) at some time too early in the morning to function . . . We arrived in style in a train of cars at Hayes and quickly set about warming up. After a minutes silence as respect for a recently deceased member of Hayes we started the match with plenty energy (Chantel claiming that her McDonalds breakfast had woken her up!). Staines dominated the match with 90% possession most in our attacking half, however we just couldn’t get the balls past their goalie, although we had some near goals; Kate slammed the ball from a short corner into the corner of the goal only to be stopped on the line by the Hayes goalkeeper! Groans all around . . . Staines won several short corners in the first half but no matter what strategy we tried (Kate to hit, slip to Debbs, slip to Lauren etc) we just couldn’t get the ball into the back of the goal! In the second half we had just as many, if not more, short corners but were unable to score. . Although again we had some near misses from Lizzy, Kate, Me, Juliet and Debbie. I managed to stuff up a really good shot at goal and as a consequence Juliet managed to jar her neck (securing her Doris of the Day). After yet more short corners, near misses and running back to set the press, the match was over. 0-0. Staines worked very hard and played a good game of hockey, using the strong defence as a way to switch the play. At the end, the score frustrated us, after dominating the game. Whatever we did, we could not get the ball into the back of the net (Hey, guess what we’re practising Monday night . . .!) After paying up, the team split up. Only Jeanette, Kate, Looby, Ingrid and I went back to Hayes Club to eat a DELICIOUS tea of sugar coated doughnuts, filling fresh bread, tasty cheese, fantastic Mr Kipling Bakewells and cake. We made sure that we ate enough to substitute for those missing . . . The five of us voted MOM and DOD and discussed the match whilst stuffing our faces.

P.S. Jeanette would like to discuss with everyone (who didn’t stay . . . no only joking) about a vice captain as she will be away and so will need someone to take up the organising.

MOM- JANA (for taking on board Kate’s advise at half-time and really making an impression in the defence)
DOD- JULIET (for missing out on a goal opportunity simply because her head hurt . . . J )

Ladies 4th XI

Ladies 5th XI

An all round good spirited game this week with an excellent result for Staines. (3-0)
Lots of good play and hard work form all the girls' ensured Staines enjoyed most of the possession. When the ball slipped out of our grasp we had the fluffy security blanket of Pix in goal! There were two goals in the first half, one from Heather Forster (assisted by Vicki Bouwer) and one from Carole Leslie (assisted by Heather F).
In the second half Staines had even more structure to the side and a determination to win. Carole Leslie picked up a second goal after a skirmish in the 'D', laid on beautifully by Janet Bailey……..yes I said Janet Bailey, welcome back Janet.
There were a few brave injuries out on the field, including Emma (foot) and Vicki (ankle) both played very well.
Finally, a big thank you to the spectators who cheered and whooped in all the right places to inspire our team to a deserved victory.
Player of the Match was decided by a secret ballot (as most eligible voters had left the club). It was decided that Claire Knight performed extremely consistently and never gave up; she had an excellent match and therefore was our choice for POM.