Match Reports For Saturday 29th October Season 2005 - 2006

Mens 1st XI

Staines made the long trip to Dulwich on Saturday to face middle of the table Tulse Hill. Notoriously a difficult away fixture Staines needed to secure three points to maintain their challenge at the top of the league. Staines started the game strongest, moving the ball well round the park and dictating the pace of the game and it was not long before the blues opened the scoring. Some great interchange between Andy Evans and Rich Cardigan carved an opening only for a reckless challenge from a Tulse Hill defender to prevent a certain goal. A penalty flick was awarded that was calmly converted by James Chapman to make it 1-0. 10 minutes later it was 2-0, a crash ball from outside the D forced a great save from the keeper only for Andy Evans to flick the ball into the roof on the net. Tulse Hill fought back hard towards half time, but some great saves by keeper Andy Green ensured the scoreline remained unchanged.

Staines started the second half strongly, and some ill discipline by Tulse Hill saw them reduced to ten men. Staines were quick to take advantage of the extra man, and scored two goals in quick succession. Andy Evans fired a reverse stick strike into the roof of the net and Rich Cardigan smashed the forth into the top corner to put the game out of reach. Staines had further opportunities to extend the scoreline but failed to convert, and despite a consolation goal for Tulse Hill, Staines held on for a resounding 4-1 victory.

Next Saturday Staines entertain top of the table side Slough.

Mens 2nd XI

Mens 3rd XI

And so we continue thrashing sides and swashbuckling our way through the league. I have excused myself for adding Harry Potter vocab as I went to see the preview of the new Harry Potter film this morning and I could have sworn I saw some of the opposition looking ugly in the film. We were at home, fortress Staines playing against Mill Hill who has walked off against BA the week before. We were back to a full strength side which always gives me confidence. You could tell it was half term as the chubster had grown a beard and his hair had leaves hanging out of it. Alpo looked up all jealous as someone was more hairy. We had the delightful Heather and Alec to keep a lid on things umpiring. Bill was back and had purchased a new Staines hockey top. It was soooo tight he looked like he was casting for the old spice advert or milk tray advert! The sight of him straightjacketed with his blond hair makes him look like a cross between oliver 'please sir can i have some more sir' and Little Lord Fauntleroy.

We started the match strongly with some excellent pass and movement play. Alpo sweeping pushed up high and Mill Hill had little answer to our swift attacks down either flank. Bill pushed up high in the centre while Sponging Student mopped up any loose ball and slayed down any oppo who ventured into our half. Porno Hudson was his usual ebullient self introducing his bodyweight to the oppo. The Tart upfront led the line for the nippy Dougie to feed off. Ian pushed up from the right flank and cut down anyone who stood in his way. Pace O' Brien and Vinny were cool and confident on the ball picking up Carlton Palmer as he attempted to snake his way through. Time after time we peppered their D but were unable to put the ball into the net. On one short corner Ian took out his Nimbus 2000 and blasted his shot straight down the barrel, fortunately for them their sweeper Victor Ubogu deflected it over into the next field. Time and time again we ruled the roost as we played elegant hockey with Vinny, Deano and Ross combining well. At times Mill Hill pressured us and we were guilty of giving the ball away with some long range shelling. Alpo was honest and persuaded Alec to stop the game as the Nottcutts sniper splurged one of the oppo and he headbutted Al's shoulder. Hudson had been given extra lessons. A half time chat put paid to that, 4 nil up and we took stock.

In the second half we disintegrated a bit as our rolling subs idea started to upset the formation and soon nobody knew who they were supposed to be marking be it Carlton Palmer or Severus Snape. Mill Hill took advantage. The defence which had looked unbeatable started to look a bit, in the words of Simon Cowell, awful. Plumber Nelhams lost his spanner and took out his wrench. Their fatboy centreforward pushed him over and asked him for his sweets which upset the usually impeccably placid Andy. Andy wanted a piece of the action but Housemaster Chubster who was having half-term withdrawal symptoms stepped into issue some detentions. The result two green cards awarded to Mill Hill. Vinny did a good job keeping his opposite number quiet. Pace O'Brien understandably pleased not to have been marking him allowing him some independence at the back.

Man of the match went to Dougie for bringing his firebolt with him and scoring two goals proving the combination of little and large up front can work.

Dick of the day. From hero to zero Ian looked like he was going to take it for dribbling up his own a*se more than Fauntleroy does. However Plumber's mate Nelhams took it for having a benny. He gave his best catherine wheel impression with arms and legs flailing everywhere as he called for Pistols at dawn. Clearly someone had turned up the system pressure on his dual combi boiler.
Next week BA.

Mens 4th XI

Mens 5th XI

Please find the latest in a long line of ramblings and a long list of goal scorers

Martin Jackson 2, Ben Grundy 1, Chris Nolan 1, Jonathon Gilkes 2, Jim Edwards 1, Chris Hunt 1, Sohail Arshad 1, Gordon Scott 2

With the glow of the lava lamp lighting the clubhouse it means only one thing… Dan the Man’s fantastic functional fiery fat fryer had decided to put paid to the new paint in the hallway…. nope the Men’s 5’s campaign continues for yet another fun filled week and Smarty had turned up just before the first toot. This was to be expected as even with the usual two hour post game meet time Smarty just managed to make it to the pitch with minutes to spare (his lateness was foiled by the cunning planning of the previous gamesters who had succeeded in achieving the grand total of 8 yellows moving the end claxon well past it’s allocated slot so he was actually early this week).

We were all expecting big things from the Murrrrrrrrrrrrfffffffffffffittttttttttt man and not just the size of his post match portion. After a stunning show of grrrrrmanship at training the lads were looking forward to seeing a big grrrrr from the man on fire (two F’n T’s please arrr arr me hearties any chance of a pie?).

LL Cool J was leaving Mr Fish alone for the day and had kept his plaice in the campaign and as per clockwork Luco wandered in showing off his double six pack.

As we mulled around in the gathering dusk of pre clock back we fondly pontificated of how dark it will be when it is an hour later than now next week at the same time that it is now. You know that old wives tale?– no, not the one about the time that Petchy Velcro passed a ball – it’s the one about “Springing forward, fall over” or “spring up, fall back” or is it “get to the Sunday morning work party and apologise for being late when you are ten minutes early! (cheers to the 6th team Bike – made me smile!).

With the troops mustered, swords of dobber polished to a high sheen, LL Cool J attaching a number three to Mr Whippy and Fun time Frankie clothed in his magnificent shields of steel with his shiny helmet of unstopability placed firmly atop his bonce it was time for tally ho.

First 900 seconds and it was still all square. Chrissie Bling had started to assume the role of this week’s Chinook and Windy Millar was allowed to have a snooze in the top corner.

Benny Bling took centre stage with the silky skills of an eel in a maze of warm syrup setting up several chances that failed to add to the score line of nil - nil.

With the slow drip of a washer-less tap the pressure started to show and the Sun’s of Bury put their heads below the ramparts of the Alamo as the boys in blue gained dominance.

A few drips later and the bathwater reached 5-0 at half time.

The slightly shell shocked Sun’s of Bury replaced their captain with their umpire with “The Big Laz” filling in with tooter raised to lips – mucho thanks to The Big Laz and the half time team talk commenced with the now regular unveiling of Luco’s fruity surprise and we were soon refreshed, ready and raring for the off once again.

With more running than a front row forward’s bottom the morning after 12 pints of Guinness and the full vindaloo experience a misty pall hung over both sides as the final hooter echoed off the Notcutts fish tanks. 6 more goals had been added onto the tally of the boys in blue making the final score 11 – 0.

It was three cheers to the Sun’s of Bury and a clap off the field. Some of them will be playing long past the time I draw my pension and they will be a force to recon with in the years to come.

MOM was narrowed down to two of the afore mentioned Sun’s of Bury:

Small chap in goal – saved far, far, far, far, far, far more that he let in.

A N Other Small chap who seemed to pop up everywhere to hit some terrific shots continually looking to get rid of granny.

On review Small chap in goal got it this week and if he doubles in size (as I’m sure he will soon due to the ravages of puberty) and keeps that enthusiasm all opo’s beware he’ll be kicking us higher than a very high, high thing shortly.

DOD - With the Murrrrrrfffffffffittttttt man’s nightmare suicide pass (“I was just seeing if Fun time Frankie was awake!”) trying to steal the accolade from Chrissie “Please give me the name of Chinook” Bling this week’s winner of the Wayne Kerr trophy was a tight decision. After discussion with the Mr S Cowsah, who indecently loves the colour yellow, it has been revealed that the netting behind the goals seems to have been blown off due to an extraordinarily localised wake vortex and now requires re-fixing and with a quick thoka thoka thoka Chrissie “Chinook” Bling air lifted it from the Murrrrrffffffitttttm man’s gruel grabbing greedy grasp this week.

Next week we are off to play Her Sham for another fun filled frolic in the dying embers of autumn but enough enthusiastic ramblings it’s time for hot chocolate (you sexy thang). Hope you all have a fun filled few days and are all refreshed and ready for the continuing story of the blues campaign same time same plaice.

Mens 6th XI

Mens 7th XI

Mens Centurions

Ladies 1st XI

It was 7am Saturday morning and the alarm was ringing. Captain Katie Kate thought those days of early morning games were gone, but alas not. Stumbling through the bedroom out into the bright sunshine, she sped her merry way to the centre of the hockey world - Staines (via Sainsburys for a pain au chocolate and freshly squeezed orange juice). KK, Alex and Suki bundled into the Struds mobile and headed to Reading courtesy of the carefully planned Daddy Route. Oh bugger...Captain KK had forgotten her shin pads. She blamed the early start.

The beautiful Reading water-based astro turf glistened, and their trusty team mates greeted the Struds mobile crew. The warm-up began. Balls bobbled. Alot.

Notable moments:

Doris of the Day Angela warmed up in her twin set of a Windsor top and bandana. She was later seen in Reading buying a lovely new blue top having been given the advice of "Ditch the trackie love".

Phonecalls from the blokes at home - "Where are the nail clippers?" and "What time are you home because I've locked myself out!"

The Dream team playing superbly well after a slightly shakey start. Audrey smacking a great penalty corner to make it 1-0. Super Struds outstanding in defence.

A comedy of bouncing errors the ball manged to get past Sue, Audrey, Struds and then Mags to make it 1-1. The Dambusters would have been proud.

An incredible second goal for Bambi, who creamed the perfectly passed ball from Alex into the top of the net. 2-1

Second half and change of tactics - thanks to the newly appointed assistant coach Mellie. Watch out Duncan!!! Alexini and Katie Kate in midfield, Timer as an extra defender.

Attempted cheating by Reading to claim that Audrey's lob over the keeper didn't go in. Who did leave that orange ball on the top of the net??????

Reading getting carded for trying to rugby tackle Kaviar. Kerry replying with a great and thoroughly deserved goal.

Katie Kate nearly scoring her first EVER South Division goal only to have kamikaze Bambi swoop in, take the ball and hit it wide.

Snatch of the Match Alexini with a very fine display of silky skills. One day she'll score!!!

KK leaving the vital hockey file and bottle on top of the Struds mobile as it left the car park, then forgetting her shoes and house keys. Mmmmm....so should have been Doris.

And finally...............

The maddest part of the day must be dedicated to the Men's 2nd XI game against Bournemouth. Never have the Ladies 1st XI been treated to such a display of hockey. Absolutely hilarious and respect must go to our hero sk8er Boi. Also well done to Clive for being the only defender not to be sent off. It was all bonkers.........Cheers guys!

(smEllie, you would have loved it. Glad to hear they have cider in India. They've run out in Staines Hockey Club!)

Ladies 2nd XI

We lost our way, but won the match.

11am and a meeting occurred in the Staines bar between an enthusiastic bunch of blues, eager to repeat our winning ways after the last two weeks efforts. After a quick phone call to captain Louby Lou to check who was going direct to pitch, we set off in our cars and everyone seemed like they roughly knew the way to the Harrow pitch. Oh how wrong we were! Two stops and panicky map checks later, we were looking rather lost and had to call for help.
Finally everyone managed to turn up at the pitch through lots of traffic/road works, leaving only half an hour to spare for team talk, warm up etc - "They are a bunch of tough, hard hitting, over confident so & so's, so go hit em hard (NO mercy!)" and other such encouragements came from coach Dunc.

After a very quick warm up (as captain Louby pointed out, it's typical that the one match we are late for, where the match before actually finishes on time!!) the game started evenly and at a relatively fast pace. Both teams had a lot of play in the midfield area requiring some good work from Olie, Lou, Claire and Hels. Some sterling work from the defence was also required, keeping the lively Harrow bunch in order, especially from man of the match Ali who was a bit like road runner, getting back that fast when others were beaten, or when Harrow made several quick breaks (including making a great goal line save). The blues started to look threatening going forward with lots of leg work from the girlies up front to keep Harrow in the press and under pressure at the back, forcing them to constantly resort to passing round the back to get it out (hey we are actually starting to look quite fit!).
After about 20 minutes, some good work from Hels and Ruth down the right saw a great cross into the D from Ruth into a sea of players. It was pounced on by Suzy (shouting "mine") who it deflected fast toward goal, saved by the keeper only for the re-bound to be picked up by Claire, who calmly belted it into the corner underneath the advancing keeper. Goooooooal! The match continued relatively evenly, but with the blues starting to gain more possession and looking good going into the half time break.

The second half saw Staines continue to build on the good work from the first half and enjoy large amounts of the possession. Some more great runs down the right by Hels and Ruth were also complimented by little "training style" triangle passing around the Harrow defence by Lou and Suzy from the left and some lovely running by the forwards making the Harrow defence look tired and under much pressure (again resorting to much passing round the back).
The second goal was almost a mirror image of the first; a great cross in from the left by Claire, a sweeping shot from Serena that went towards the keeper, who got down onto it, but the momentum carried it under her and Ruth jumps on it at the left post to confidently slot it away. Nice one!!
Towards the end, we got a bit tired (well we had worked hard) and Harrow came back with a few quick breaks, causing more hard work for the defence and some more sprinting tackles from Ali. Unfortunately, with just under 2 minutes to go, Harrow made a fast break and suddenly their right wing was sprinting into the D about to shoot. Up steps super keeper Tinks (or should I say, out she slides in a comedy, stunt man style manoeuvre) taking the ball off the forward, who had a lovely trip through the air over Tinks to the moon and back. Umpires played the advantage and somehow the ball got to another Harrow forward who scored.
We then regained composure, belted the ball down the right side of the pitch, to keep it there from some crafty short passes and sideline hits (amid moans of "football tactics" from the harrow defence) until the end of the match.

We beat Harrow, something we failed to do last season (when they finished 2nd to us in the league and also got promoted) and were obviously very chuffed with a hard battled but deserved win. The journey back was less eventful, except for perhaps Duncan's expletives in the car on hearing by text from Katie Kate, that the men's 2's had gone from winning to being at 4-4 and getting at least 2 yellow cards! Also the cheers to welcome us back at the club bar were fab, thanks girls!

Ladies 3rd XI

First lesson: Ensure all drivers have a map to the away fixture.
Second lesson: Always check ahead for key roadworks which could alter a journey
Third lesson:....

After an interesting, if somewhat diverted journey to Brent Cross, the ladies finally arrived at Whitefields school (largely due to a certain umpire who had grabbed an A-Z from someone to help the ladies in their hour of need) somewhat enlightened and ready for action. Louby had already done her warm up at the roadworks at the Hangar Lane Gyratory and this left the rest of the team to get on with stretches and what not.

The game was fairly evenly matched if not tough. West Hampstead were the league leaders and it was soon apparent why - the only edge they had on us was fitness which was more prevalent in the second half. Staines learnt valuable lessons from this game which will lead to different ways of thinking in future games. When West Hampstead broke, they were able to beat our midfields and our backs to the D and were able to convert.

Hungry, tired and a little emotional, the ladies made the trek back home to Staines and cast their votes for man of the match and doris.

Lizzie got man of the match for her tireless efforts - she was even back defending at one stage!

Jo got Doris of the day 2 weeks running for a revelation on the journey!!

Ladies 4th XI

Staines………. 5

Ashford……….1

With a result like that I don’t think a match report is needed! And I almost didn’t make the beginning of the game to be able to write one (more on that later) But…..

The game started off a little slowly with both teams making attempts at goal but Ashford came through first to pick up a scrappy goal 10minutes into the first half.

This seemed to be the trigger that Staines needed and we started playing a much tidier game with defence, midfield and forwards working well together. New addition Anika was all over the pitch (the girl has too much energy, but we’re not complaining!) but she was mostly in the Ashford D running rings round their defence and slotted home her first goal to level the score to 1-1. A second goal followed shortly after and a relieved Staines were 2-1 up at half time.

The second half was some of the best hockey we’ve played to date. Ashford put up a good defence but the play was mostly in their half leaving their defence with a lot of work to do. We had a number of short corners but couldn’t convert them though we did score another three goals in open play, to the delight of the increasing number of supporters on the sideline, including another from Anika, a fantastic one by Jude and one from Julie P.

Goal scorers were Anika (3), Jude (1) and Julie P (1). Man of the match was a close thing between Fe and Anika but went to debut girl Anika. Doris of the day (for the second time in as many weeks *sigh*) went to CJ, who turned up dutifully at Ashford for the 9.30am meet time to find no-one else there…..was she the first to arrive? Where were the opposition? A quick phone call confirmed that team and oppo were at Staines to play at home-good job wasn’t too far to drive! Must pay more attention to the instructions on captain’s emails…..

Ooooyes….did I mention that this puts us top of the league?……