Starcrash Review

Starcrash

I wanted to track down a copy of this film, as I had not seen it for about 10 years. So the first part of this review is my original Plea for help.

For many years now I have been trying to track down a copy of what I consider to be the worst Science-Fiction film ever made.

You can keep your "Plan 9", "Invaders from Mars" and all your Killer B's, for truly bad Sci-Fi you have to look to the 1980's. In the wake of "Star Wars" and "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" a whole toilet full of zero budget Space Opera flicks started to appear.

The worst of the worst, was "Starcrash". Made around 1980-81 it starred Caroline Munro (of Hammer fame), David Hazelhoff (of Baywatch infamy), and Christopher Plummer as the Emperor of the Universe (Obviously wandered onto the set by accident, and forced to stay).

As far as I can remember, the plot concerned a group of rebels trying to fight off an Evil Empire who were commanded by a half human, half machine guy dressed all in black [tm George Lucas, 1977]. But the real beauty of the film was in spotting all the wholes in the plot. At one point Caroline Munro is taken to a prison on a Space Station, where for some reason everyone is dressed like an extra for "Great Expectations". The prison itself looks like a gothic cathedral, but in Neon. Then the Evil Empire storm the Space Station by firing torpedoes with soldiers hidden inside, through the ornate windows. Surprisingly, there is no explosive decompression and Munro and her sidekick escape.

Its Mad!. This could be because it was a German/Italian/American Co-Production, or it could be because the script and Special FX are mince. In the opening shot of a huge spaceship rumbling over the camera [tm George Lucas 1977], it is clear that the model is made of an old shoe box with the leftover spars from Airfix Kits glued to it.

All of the above goes to make "Starcrash" the worst SF Film ever. And that is why I must own a copy of it. If anyone out there can help I would be eternally grateful.

Thank you for your kind attention.

Eventually I did find the film, and what follows is the full review.

Reviewed 01/08/00 Starcrash

For many years now I have been trying to track down a copy of what I consider
to be the worst Science-Fiction film ever made.

Thanks to those lovely people at Videovault.co.uk, I have it now.

Made in 1979, in order to cash in on the success of Star Wars, Starcrash features the acting talents of Caroline Munro, as Stella Star, Marjoe Gortner as Acton, Christopher Plummer as the Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe, and infamous Baywatch star and German chart topper, David Hasselhoff as Simon, the son of the Emperor. In addition there is Joe Spinelli, who is deeply mad and plays the evil Count Zarth Arn, and thrown into the mix is Elle the robot cop, and Thor, the head of Imperial Security.

The plot involves Zarth Arn's attempt to use "the most powerful weapon the universe has ever seen" in an attempt to overthrow the rule of the benevolent Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe. (Not entirely sure if there is a second of third circle). This weapon, which is hidden inside a planet amongst the Haunted Stars, closely resembles a giant lava lamp, and projects mental images of monsters into the minds of its victims. The weapon is used against an Imperial scout ship (which just happens to be carrying the emperors son), and the ship explodes, after releasing three escape pods.

Still with me?

Now we are introduced to Stella Star, intergalactic smuggler, and her navigator, the clearly insane Acton. These two are being hunted by the cops, and are captured by Thor and Elle. At this point I should point out that Ms Star has a rather unusual policy when it comes to clothing. Namely, the less the better. When she is captured by Thor she is sent off to a prison planet, where everyone else is in rags and she is still in her leather bikini. After being in prison for only 30 seconds, she promptly escapes. Only to be picked up by Thor again. However it is now that we find out that Thor was coming to rescue her anyway as the Emperor of the First Circle of the Universe has a special mission for her and Acton.

I could go on to explain the rest of the plot, but after this it really stops making any sense. You see the Amazon Warriors turn up, then the Troglodytes (who all look like Marty Feldman), we find out that Thor is part of a Double Cross so that he can become one of Zarth Arn's Dark Lords. Stella Gets frozen, then thawed, we find out that Acton can see into the future, Elle gets killed three times. Stella and Acton find the Emperors Son on the Phantom Planet (That is where the ultimate weapon is hidden), and then Zarth turns up to taunt them with his Golems (badly animated robots to you and me). In a bizarre plot twist, Zarth has told his enemy, the Emperor, that his son is on the planet, and so the emperor turns up to try and save him. Unfortunately the entire planet is set to blow up (so Zarth really didn't want that old ultimate weapon anyway?).

The Emperor finds his son when there are only 45 seconds on the clock, and then comes out with perhaps the greatest line in 100 years of cinema history.

"You don't get to be Emperor without having some power.
IMPERIAL BATTLESHIP, STOP THE FLOW OF TIME!"

You just cannot beat dialogue like that. Well you can, but only with a really big stick.

From here on in we get the Imperial attack on the Count's Battle Platform. Rather than the more traditional "Spacestation Shaped Like A Small Moon" our Zarth chose to make his space station resemble a giant metal hand, which closes into a fist whenever it comes under attack. It is at this point that the Emperor launches torpedoes filled with troops into the station. Luckily they all seem to crash through the numerous Gothic Windows which allow a great deal of natural light into the Space Station. This is perhaps my favourite moment in the film, as we see several laws of physics broken at once. The Torpedoes smash through the windows, and there is no explosive decompression, little sign of inertia (the torpedoes had been screaming through space and then come to a sudden halt), no apparent breathing apparatus for the troops. Class.

As a result of this attack, Zarth prepares to launch his Doom Weapon (this is apparently a different doom weapon from the one which was hidden in the Phantom Planet), at the Emperor's home planet. Luckily it will take 15 Minutes to prepare the Doom Weapon, and this gives Stella, Simon and Elle just enough time to perform the infamous "Starcrash" manoeuvre. This manoeuvre entails finding a giant Space City and ramming it into Zarth Arn's Battle Fist. Surprisingly, this spells the end for the Giant Space Fist, and Zarth Arn.

Now you may think that I have spoiled the film by telling you the ending and giving away so many vital plot points. However, since most of you will never see this film, and since much of the fun of the movie revolves around how incredibly bad it is, I really can't see how giving away the plot causes any harm. And without telling you so much about it, I would not be able to justify my claim that this is the "Best, Worst Film, Ever Made". I defy anyone to see this movie and then find a film equally badly made, which they enjoyed half as much.

10/10 (in terms of being the "Best, Worst Film, Ever Made")

(perhaps the second best line in cinema is said by Zarth Arn while on his giant Fist Shaped Battle Station, in deep space)

"BY SUNSET I WILL RULE THE GALAXY!"

(What sunset?)

If this rant has inspired you to find out more. you should check out WWW.badmovies.org, which has sounds and movie clips from this and other terrible movies. (It has the whole of the "Troop Torpedoes" scene.)

I recently met Caroline Munro at a singing in Glasgow. So I now have a copy of Starcrash, signed by an original member of the cast. My joy could hardly be contained.

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