Seven Steps To Getting The Girl.
(Even if you're usually the comic relief.)

It's not easy being the comic relief, surrounded all day by charming, charismatic co-workers.  To make things worse they're most likely broodingly handsome, or have lovely thick curls, boyish good looks and confident grins which make the girlies of the week puddle at their feet.  A good sense of humour may be an essential in the 'partners wanted' column but even along with your delicate hands and liquid brown eyes it just doesn't seem to do the trick.  Take heart though--you're certain to get at least one episode in which to seize the moment (and the totty) so watch for it and follow the guide below to make sure you don't miss your chance.


Step 1

Be realistic.  Endearing though you might be, you're not the most physically attractive person on the show and the usual girlies are just going to fall over themselves for the pretty characters and not spot you at all.  So the first thing you need to is get out on your own.  Getting kidnapped is a good plan as, if it doesn't work out with the girlie you've got the consolation prize of having everyone else running around to rescue you, and no one will suspect you just snuck off looking for some totty.  Bonus points if you can get one of your own guys to send you off on your own and then spend half the episode feeling guilty about it.


Step 2

Kidnappers usually aren't great conversationalists so you'll have to do most of the talking yourself.  Make sure you chatter for as long as possible even if they ignore you or threaten to sew your mouth shut.  Annoy them enough and the lackey types will start having a pop at each other instead of you.  Make the most of it, but remember that their boss will soon turn up and won't be as easily distracted.  He'll want you to help them and it would be a very bad idea to openly disagree.  Don't worry though--you'll get on opportunity to escape soon enough.

Talking  your kidnapper's ear off...

"Is that where we're going? It's miles away. I mean why couldn't I have teleported closer in? Hey? They say too much walking's bad for you, you know. Makes you go deaf. Look what it's done for you.  Listen, sooner or later one of you's going to have to speak to me. Well, speak to me one of you!  All right, that's it. No speak, no walk. My feet hurt and I didn't want to come anyway. 'Course, I'm totally lost, you realize that. Yes, of course you realize that. I don't suppose you'd consider taking me back to where you met me.  No, of course you wouldn't. All right, you've talked me into it."

- Vila, City at the Edge of the World

"We're going out of state aren't we?  I mean, this is going to be a long drive.  I hate long drives.  I get so nauseated.  Can we turn on the flow-through ventilation or something.  Hey, why don't you watch the speed limit there!  Hey, you aren't even wearing you seatbelts!  Why aren't you wearing your seatbelts?"

"You gotta stop man!  You been going on for two hours!  What are you crazy?"

"Well of course I'm crazy.  You got me out of the psychiatric ward at the VA hospital, stupid!"

- Murdock and bad guy, Bounty


Step 3

At some point the girlie will show up.  Don't worry if she is initially brandishing a gun, she's not really going to shoot you.  It may take you a little time and investment of effort but big brown eyes and a sweet smile can work wonders and she'll soon be won over.

First impressions are all important...

"For someone who's lost his nerve, you take risks, little man."

"You didn't go to all this trouble just to kill me."

-Kerril and Vila

"Put your hands up.  I don't want to shoot you."

"Yeah, I can see you don't want to shoot me."

-Kelly and Murdock


Step 4

This is the point where can all go wrong.  There are a number of possible problems here:

a) Incompatible assessments of danger levels resulting in one of you heading off alone.

b) Intervention of the bad guys.

Situation a) can usually be resolved by a heroic dash to the rescue, which will probably be required anyway once b) presents itself.


Step 5

By this time the rest of your group will have turned up to help.  Don't worry if they don't all seem overjoyed to see you.  Regardless of their apparent attitude they have spent most of the episode worrying about you.  Yes all of them. 

I'm not worried, honest...

"Why are you suddenly so protective towards Vila?"

"He's irritating, but he's useful."

-Cally and Avon

"B.A, I've never heard you so concerned about Murdock."

"I'm not concerned.  It's just that the crazy fool can't help himself."

-Face and B.A.


Of course I wasn't worried...

"Vila, we thought we'd lost you."

"But every silver lining has a cloud."

"I'd say you got that wrong, except I know you didn't."

-Cally, Avon and Vila.

"You really missed me didn't you, big guy.  Admit it.  You missed me.

"Miss you?  Man, I didn't miss nothin'.  All I know is we had peace and quiet around here for a while.  Didn't have to listen to your crazy jibber-jabber."

-Murdock and B.A.



Step 6

Easy.  You'll successfully defeat the bad guys and doubtless get a snog as well.


Step 7

Now here's the bad news.  Unfortunately for you, you live in a serial TV show which means that no permanent changes in your situation are really allowed.  This includes the additional of a regular love interest, so that sweet girlie you've just got so fond of is going to have to go.  If you're lucky you'll be able to nobly send her off to a new life.  If you're unlucky she'll visit you once and then never been seen again.  Either way you can console yourself with the knowledge that you'll probably be reunited in fanfic.



With all apologies to poor Vila and Murdock who do deserve to get the girl far more often.  I'd take them home.

The two eps I'm specifically referring to here are Blake's 7: City at the Edge of the World and The A-Team: Bounty, which remain my favourites in their respective series precisely because they are such good outings for the characters and I've have loved to see both Kerril and Kelly make return appearances.  I suppose I too will just have to console myself with fanfic.


Now how could anyone resist that smile?


Or that one for that matter.

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