Prominent pigeon fancier and tradesman-plumber
Aunt Hilda has been a columnist for 57 years. In that time she has
helped countless of people get over it and in several cases wind
their heads in and get their hands off it. If you have a question
or pathetic cry of help, mail Aunt Hilda now. Previous honourable
mentions:
Dear Hilda
I recently stumbled across evidence of
a conspiracy that quite possibly explains many of the events of
the past few months in more chilling detail than even Fox Mulder
could conceive. See, my football team once had some T-shirts printed
by our sponsors (a well-known known Belgian Airline) and when
they then came back from the printers, the one XXL we ordered
was missing (it was meant for our pie-scoffing manatee of a goalie
- I believe he comes from Zimbabwe, but never mind). Next thing,
the airline goes bust and I lose my job. Coincidence? You might
think so without this last piece of the puzzle: the guy who did
the T-shirts was Lithuanian. And fat. (Name and address withheld
by request)
Dear Pierre Van Raamsdonk
(From Brussels)
Dear Pierre
You don't want to read too much into
what might jus be an entirely benign coincidence there, Pierre.
Unless of course, your goalie was really fat, in which case he
probably had a hand in it, too. Untrustworthy, fat people. Especially
around food. Should spend more time being chased by radio-controlled
brown velour La-Z-Boy chairs.
back to top
Dear Hilda
After two years of mediocre results in
charge of a sports team I will describe for reasons as Not The
All Blacks, I find myself sidelined, unwanted, unloved and despised
by the sports-following population of New Zealand. My question,
naturally, is how do they get those ships into little bottles?
Philip Simons
(Wellington)
Dear Philip
Bloke down the pub the other night,
his missus works with one of those trick cyclists with the couch
and inkblots and all (bit like that lady on The Sopranos), so
I showed your letter to him for some expert input. Basically what
you have her is repressed anxiety disguising itself as amphonautiphilia
(an obsession with ships in bottles). Phil, the only way out of
this crippling situation is head on. In short, front up to the
board in charge of this sport you used to coach and smack the
boss on the nose – ideally, with a ship in a bottle. I find that
aircraft carriers work particularly well.
back to top
Dear Hilda
If David James was standing in goal
(for a change) faced with a blindfolded podgy 5 year old on
the penalty spot, do you think he could make a save?
David Beckham's mum.
Manchester
Dear Mrs Beckham
Lovely to hear from you again, dear,
and it's good to know you've clearly got over that unpleasantness
that came between us with the sausage rolls at last year's
first round of the FA cup match against Burnley. I found salt
got out the stains out in the end, by the way. Mind you, I
can't help but think you're a bit wide of the mark regarding
David James (be careful how you spell that) who is after all,
one of the shining lights of English football. What you should
be asking is, "If David was up a ladder and the only
way a team could score would be to hit the ball through the
top two rungs, would David be able to thwart their efforts?”
My reply in all honesty would be what makes you think he could
climb the ladder without falling off? Easy to get dizzy up
a ladder, especially those aluminium ones. Americans say 'aloomimum',
you know, which makes matters worse really.
back to top
Dear Hilda
I reckon you make up most of the letters
you receive, including this one.
Morris Jones
Dear Morris
Funny old name Morris, and we're not
talking funny ha-ha. What a lot of younger readers won't know
is that Morris is more than the name of those weirdo's dressed
up in tights, hitting each other's opponents batons (Morris dancers
I believe). The name 'Morris' also conjures up images of the Morris
Minor – half machine, a quarter Parmesan cheese, a fifth of a
walking stick and the rest wheelchair.
back to top
Dear Hilda
I am writing to you to express in the fanciest
words I can find in my mother's dictionary my abhorrence of the
themes, precepts and stereotypes perpetrated by your magazine
and most especially by your column. You should know that after
the gym this Friday the entire upper fifth form attempted to hack
into your website before smearing ourselves in road tar and dancing
around the IT block to the tune of Right Said Fred's "I'm
So Sexy". After dismally failing to crash your site, we now
plan to burn the next best medium – the conveyer of your sub standard
column – our computer monitors.
Jemima Fitzgerald-Simmons
(St Mary's Sacred for Girls)
Dear Jemima
If you are serious about your planned
magazine burning, I feel obliged to furnish you with a few safety
tips. First, make sure you have plenty of fire extinguishers (I
believe the black ones are best for electrical fires). Next, for
a really good fire, make sure you have a decent supply of computers
(I hear those 19 inchers - TFT screens - burn really well). A
simple CRT-based monitor simply won't do. Happy burning.
back to top
Dear Hilda
I've always wanted my name and address
withheld by request. Would you?
Tony Martin
Dear Tony
You’ll notice, Tony that I’ve chosen
not to grant your request in this instance. First up, you didn’t
say please, just come barging into my in tray all willy-nilly
with your “I’ve always wanted” and so on. Second, and this is
the kicker for me, if you’d read as widely as your Aunt Hilda,
you’d know that the letters that qualify you for that sort of
treatment always start with “Dear Hilda, I read your column avidly,
but never thought something like this would happen to me. It all
started when I got stuck in the lift with a young muscular cycle
courier and a crate full of extra-large shrink-wrapped cucumbers”.
Mind you, you’d need a lady for anyone but a pervert to find that
interesting, Tony, and clearly you are not.
back to top
Problems
with coping with all those extra-marital affairs or are you having
difficulty telling your boss what you really think of him? Just
mail Hilda with all your problems (well, try and limit it to one
a day perhaps). Your privacy is assured but the best problems will
be published here.
meijboom.co.uk