Forget your reliance on that blubbermouth and get your own personal horoscope here! Important note: I guarantee these horoscopes to be exactly as accurate as those provided by even the finest weekly magazines and 0870 lines. However, any correspondence between these predictions and what exactly happens to you is as flash as it is surprising and you really should write in and tell us about it.

<---what's your star sign?

 

Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22

The white helicopters are coming Scorpio, and they’re coming for you. Yes, the dark forces hiding behind the white-and-blue flag of the United Nations have your number and are not afraid to use it. Expect silent menacing phone calls in the dead of night this month, or, if you’re into SMS, text messages with nothing in them.

 

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 22

You say Ibeetha, I say sunburnt, drug addled and Union Jack boxer shorts. Expect to be drawn into the murky underworld that is club culture this month, Sagittarius, as mistaking an LSD tab for one of those temporary tattoos has far-reaching consequences. Lucky bass line: dish dish boom dish.

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Capricorn Dec 23-Jan 20

Long before stars were invented ancient peoples would foretell the future by cutting open a goat and seeing where it’s squishy bits fell. You should take your cue from the ancients this month, Capricorn, and slaughter any friends you know to be goat-like. No goaty mates? You’re not looking close enough.

 

Aquarius Jan 21-Feb 19

The average human being is 90% water, Aquarius(95% if you’re dying for a trip the ‘washroom’, but don’t want your friends to think you’re weak-bladdered). This obscure statistic shall figure largely in the events of the nest few weeks. Urine-related advice for skiers: don’t eat the yellow snow  unless you’re in the lemon aisle of your local Gelat-o-mart.

 

Pisces Feb 20-Mar 20

Funny how life is, don’t you think, Pisces? One day you’re struggling against a mighty current, attempting to conquer the odds, swim upstream and return to the place of your birth to mate and start the mysterious cycle of life anew. The next day, some bear’s bitten your head off, or maybe some bogus Indian chief sold you to John West. Is this a metaphor? Not if you’re a fish it isn’t. Lucky garnish: parsley.

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Aries Mar 21-Apr 20

Look not to the stars this month for guidance, my bad-skinned friend, but instead to old TV programme listings. Opening a page at random and placing your finger somewhere in the middle should do the trick. Here I’ll do the first one for you. October 14^th: Neighbours – Ramsey Street residents are surprised when a flying saucer lands in the backyard of number 2”. How do we interpret this message? You’re an idiot and shouldn’t cross the road unaccompanied.

 

Taurus Apr 21-May 21

Red Bull gives you wings, claim those wobbly animated ads on the TV, and therein lies the key to your month. Astrologically speaking, you’re not so much as a bull as you are a panty shield. With wings. Pertinent and slightly offensive beverage-based advice: go with the flow.

 

Gemini May 22-Jun 21

Online share trading holds great opportunity this month, Gemini – opportunity for you to squander the entire pathetic contents of your Post Office savings account on a balanced portfolio that, for some reason, is made up entirely of goose fat futures. Fear not, for shortly before the bailiff comes knocking, you will be run over by, ironically, an entire tanker of the stuff.

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Cancer Jun 22-Jul 23

Like your mate Gemini (Cancers and Gemini’s make ideal partners, but only when there are pre-nuptials involved), the share market will prove attractive this month. Should you invest in bungee-jumping ventures, expect the price to oscillate wildly while screaming “yahoo” and possibly losing the change from its pockets. Kitchen-related trading tip: beef stocks are bullish.

 

Leo Jul 24-Aug 23

Cat food. That’s where the answer lies for you this month, Leo. Quickly go to the cupboard and check what type you have there. If it’s Whiskas, your month will be uneventful and contain pieces of horse. If your choice is fish based, personal hygiene should be a focus in coming weeks. And should your cat food be in the form of dried biscuits, you are a nasty little nothing and deserve everything that’s coming to you.

 

Virgo Aug 24-Sep 23

Your horoscope is cancelled this month, Virgo, as you are about to die.

 

Libra 24 Sep-Oct 23

What do the stars hold for you this month, Libra? Embarrassment, for starters. Ever since man looked up at the night sky and reckoned those three stars over there kind of looked like a triangle, sort of, your coming month has been pre-ordained. Practical advice: always wear clean underwear in case you’re unknowingly snapped for a skirtcam website (not that I have seen any of course!).

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